A Miracle After Two Tragedies
I was 8 months pregnant with our first son when I went to a regular pregnancy check up and they couldn’t find his heartbeat. I was devastated and didn’t understand why this was happening to us. We had done everything we were supposed to and had already named him. Our doctor gave us the option to be put into labor that day or wait until my body put itself into labor. I chose to go in that day and have our son.
I went home from the doctor’s office that afternoon and I still don’t know how I made it home by myself. I was in shock. When I finally made it home I grabbed our hospital bag that had already been packed and my husband and I went on to the hospital. I was admitted, given pitocin and had our son the next day. He was perfect weighing almost 3 lbs. 10 perfect fingers 10 perfect toes and light blonde hair just like his dad. I held him as long as they would allow me to. I still didn’t know what happened or what caused our son to die.
The worst part of it all had to have been hearing the other living babies crying and knowing that I wouldn’t have my Jordan. I wouldn’t be able to hear his cries like the other moms.
I was wheeled out of the hospital the following day with a small box containing a little outfit they put on him for bereavement pictures and a small bib with matching hat. I was also given a folder with all kinds of booklets and brochures telling me that time would heal all wounds and not to be afraid to try again.
The next few weeks were a blur. My doctor had given me anxiety medicine and sleeping pills to help me function but they only seemed to make me feel like a zombie. We had a funeral for our son but I really don’t remember it.
Almost 6 months after we had Jordan we tried again (2004) and became pregnant rather quickly. I was so excited but terrified at the same time. My doctor reassured us that it was very unlikely for what had happened to our Jordan to happen again. Everything was going wonderfully until I was 24 1/2 weeks and I started having contractions. I went to the emergency room to be on the safe side and was faced with the same nightmare I had already lived through. I called my obgyn and told him what the E.R. had confirmed by ultrasound and he gave me the same previous option. I chose to go in and have our son David that day (2005). I was induced the same way as before and had him early the next morning. I couldn’t believe that this had happened to us for the 2nd time and didn’t know how much more my heart, my sanity or my marriage could take.
I chose to get an iud as form of birth control after our 6 weeks was up. In 2008, I went for my annual and was told that the iud had given me a cervical infection and had to be removed. I was nervous about getting it removed but was told that it was the only way to get the infection healed. My husband and I discussed trying one more time and decided that it was worth a shot. I became pregnant within the next few months and my doctor decided it would be best to see a high risk doctor. I had appointments three times a week; once for the high risk, once for a stress test and once for an ultrasound. After all the blood they took, I didn’t think I had much left. After everything we went through, they finally found the problem. During pregnancy I had MTHFR, which is a blood clotting disorder. I had to take blood thinning shots in my stomach twice a day along with baby aspirin and extra folic acid.
At 37 weeks, the high risk doctor decided they wanted to do a amniocentesis to check the lung development of our baby girl. After that test the same day, I was admitted into the hospital. Three days later they did a C-section and our little miracle baby Teagen Wilder forever changed our lives.
I will say this, time does not heal anything, it just helps you learn to deal with the loss. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what my sons would be like or what kind of adventure they would be having playing outside getting dirty. I like to think they would be a lot like their sisters but bringing in bugs and worms instead of flowers and butterflies. I hope that this helps someone in some way.
Destiny Clarke is 32 years old and lives in Mississippi with her husband and their 2 beautiful daughters.
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