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Turning 30 was bittersweet. An age that seemed so far off at one point and yet so young when the time came. Turning 30 was a time of reflection of paths traveled, decisions made, and deciding where to go from there. Little did I know, turning 30 would begin the pause stage of life. A time where I have total control, and yet, not much at all.

Daily-mom-parent-portal-Turning 30: Living Through A Pause

Turning 30: My Body

At the beginning of my thirties, I had a lot of difficulty coming to terms with my thirties being my pause years. The years where my self-care/exercise routine was paused because of taking care of littles and being available to them. I refer to this as my “squishy phase”. Let’s be honest, my appearance is less than desirable. I try not to look at photos of myself pre-babies or my wedding. I looked so youthful, rested, and fit. All that is on pause because I am growing and feeding other humans with my body.

Don’t get me wrong it is amazing and I feel beyond blessed for the opportunity, but a part of me wants to look hot. You read that right. HOT. I have never been one to worry about what others thought of my appearance. Honestly, it was all about how I felt in my skin. Looking in the mirror and liking what was looking back gave me the confidence I needed to conquer anything. Add in a pair of pretty underthings and that woman could do just about whatever she wanted. Career, house, marriage, school. You name it, she had it under control. However, during this squishy phase, she is in a deep slumber.

Read More: 7 Ways To Model Fitness For Your Kids

Turning 30: My Career

Daily-mom-parent-portal-Turning 30: Living Through A Pause

The most difficult adjustment with turning 30 was understanding that my career was on pause. I was probably one of the few that didn’t want kids. My career was everything to me. Being the first in the family to go to a university and graduate, I was determined to succeed. I had my head down and pushed through nursing school. I worked so hard for so long that it consumed who I was and everything I wanted. You guessed it: Life had other plans. My daughter surprisingly came along and turned my world upside down. She was everything I didn’t know I wanted or needed in my life. Being a mother became the only thing I wanted to do.

Long story short, we reset the clock by having my son after turning 30. I am taking time to soak in all the memories of my babies while they are babies. I often have to step back and remind myself that the most important work that I will do in my life is to raise my children in a loving home. Making my children feel loved and teaching them to give love is my greatest calling.

Read More: What I Wish I Had Known When I Put My Career On Hold For My Kids

Turning 30: My Marriage

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Along with many other things my marriage is on pause. I know it shouldn’t be. I don’t want it to be. But babies need to be fed, bathed, and put to bed and that takes time. That takes a lot of time that we don’t get to spend together. If there is one important thing that a marriage needs it’s, you guessed it, time. This is especially true when you have children. After all, there is more to someone than their title of “mom” or “dad”. Not to mention, “sexy time” is kinda hard to accomplish with kids knocking at the door and babies screaming “mama” through the baby monitor.

Since turning 30 and taking on the role of caregiver to everyone, I have struggled to be sure that my husband feels cared for as well. Not in a motherly way, if you know what I am talking about, wink wink. Turning 30 changed the game. I looked around and realized that I had not received a save the date in a hot minute and divorces were more common on my social media newsfeed than proposals. It’s true: Love is not enough.

A marriage consists of many wants and needs. To be honest this terrifies me. I ponder daily, “does he know how much I love and appreciate him” and that I want to jump his bones even if he is not 100% happy with his dad bod. I give him everything I have left at the end of the day. My attention, my energy, my humor, my patience, my love. If I am being honest, some days there is not much left to give. We communicate more than most, even if it is a few decibels higher than most couples. What can I say, we are both passionate people. At the end of the day, we choose each other.

Read More: 20 Marriage Tips That Will Change Your Relationship

It’s okay. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Life doesn’t have to be figured out or ideal after turning 30. As a matter of fact, I have come to accept that life is a beautiful mess. I have come to appreciate the beautiful disaster that seems to unfold most days. Spaghetti noodles on the floor, “whoops” stains and broken glasses, and the rushed “I love you too dear” on the way out the door.

Perfect is boring. This chaos that we are living in is what we built out of love. Who can be mad or disappointed in that? Not this girl. She’s gonna muscle up, handle her shit, and keep on with her head held high. There is not a doubt in my mind that us “moms” will emerge out of the wreckage of toys, dishes, carpool lanes, and dirty diapers, stronger, braver, and more f*cking fabulous than anyone could have ever suspected.

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Photo Credits: Ashley Sisk, Amanda Armstrong, Unsplash, Pixabay